Hey Poker,
I'm writing to you five years after my retirement. I stepped away to deal with you only in theory. I left with a sense of unfinished business, even personal failure. I left because I felt burned out. I tried so hard, but you wouldn't give me… the results I expected back then (LOL). Because I tried so hard to get you to notice me…
Today I'm writing to tell you about things I didn't understand before. And maybe even to come back, because no one else gives me what you do.
The year 2007. I was 23 years old. Finishing my Mathematics degree at the University of Gdansk. Getting ready to find a job in a big city. A shy boy from tiny Strzepcz. But honestly, I had no idea what to do with my life. And then you came along.
You teased the subject from several angles. Several people told me about you. But they couldn't convince me. Because hands are independent events, right? What happened before doesn't affect what happens in the next hand. And if it doesn't, then they could run bad for me indefinitely. Clearly, I slept through my statistics classes. Because the more independent trials you have, the closer the average result gets to expected value (EV).
Others couldn't convince me, I had to convince myself. A summer work trip to the USA in 2007. In my free time, instead of pondering probability distributions, I simply start playing. Actions, not words!
Then watching World Series of Poker coverage. I wait for each episode with more anticipation than for the, admittedly amazing, "Prison Break." Emotions captured. I start reading "Harrington on Hold'em" and your strategic-psychological puzzles draw me in too. Heart in love, mind intrigued! I'M ALL IN!
We got to know each other slowly. Carefully but effectively. I was becoming a better player. I worked with a coach, consumed all kinds of poker content. With ease, with joy, with curiosity. And with aggression, which I had hidden so well in childhood.
In you, I found a space to show it. The Jungian shadow emerged at the tables. The "good boy" who usually stood in others' shadows could reveal his wild nature. The poker jungle turned out to be the perfect space for that. And it worked brilliantly. Opponents fell, folding their hands. They weren't ready for my aggression. I myself wasn't either…
During this time, I combined you with my IT job. You were like a mistress I happily returned to in the evenings. But my job, though unsatisfying and incomparably less profitable, gave me something priceless - a sense of security. A sense of security I had always desperately needed. And from that place, I could take risks without pressure, without expectations.
My winnings grew: a million dollars, countless tournament victories. And the time came for you to transform from a mistress into a partner. The time came to quit my job. The time came to dedicate all my time to you. If things were so good together after hours, how beautiful life would be together 24/7!
The job went away - the sense of security went with it. Instead of "I play because I enjoy it and winning is a byproduct, because the game itself is interesting, joyful, exciting," pressure appeared: "I must win because others see me as a winner," "I must earn because this is my job now," "I can't lose or make mistakes, because I'll look stupid," etc.
I built some artificial image of my ideal self, one who MUST know EVERYTHING and do EVERYTHING PERFECTLY, and I tried to conform to that image. I set myself an impossible task. I turned play into must. I hid the truth about myself under shame.
Success made me a known figure in the community. People started watching me. But inside, I felt inadequate. Somewhere I felt I didn't deserve what had happened to me. I felt like an impostor. I tried to cover the shame with perfectionism. I wanted to bury those uncomfortable feelings with wins.
Opponents also started adapting to my aggression. And I couldn't adjust. How could I change something I wasn't even aware of? The good boy still sees aggression as something bad, so how could he manage it? This requires a man. And properly directed, conscious aggression is the foundation of a good poker player. Moreover, it's the foundation of a good life - a life created by ourselves, not one that's handed to us.
The upward line on my winnings graph flattened. I don't know what's happening. In a fit of desperation, once again in my life, I escape into my head. And while the mind is a great tool when connected to body and heart, it completely fails at life when it has to cope alone.
Hundreds of hours spent on coaching sessions, analyzing hands, searching for answers in solvers and trying to memorize them (!) don't help much. Don't get me wrong, these elements are absolutely necessary. But I had shut off my body, shut off my intuition. Fear kicked in. Pressure appeared. There was no room for joy, play, curiosity anymore.
Barcelona. My favorite place to play. Well, almost. Vegas is better. But only when it comes to playing cards. About 15 players in the game. First place pays one million euros. I get AA, thinking about how to extract max value. I don't have to think long, my opponent does the dirty work for me. I open, he shoves all-in, snap call! A pot for the chip lead, or at least close to it. He shows ATs. In hearts. It's beautiful!
"Pawel Brzeski opened for 175,000 and the patient Andre Leattau moved all in only to get instantly called by Brzeski who so far has had horrible luck. Lettau had A♥T♥ and it looked like he was heading for the exit when Brzeski tables A♦A♠. The final board of K♥9♥7♠ - 4♥ - 5♣ saw Leattau turn the nuts to survive and Brzeski's horrible luck continue."
PokerNews
Pawel Brzeski so far has had horrible luck, his horrible luck continue… Fuuuuck… You betrayed me! I take you as my partner for life, and you cheat on me?! At such a moment?! In my favorite city?! How could you?! I can't believe what just happened…
Shortly after, there are only 12 of us left. I win a hand, a pile of chips in front of me. I don't have time to stack them because I get another playable hand - 88. Quick mental math, I have 15bb, so I quickly shove all-in. Because people are watching, because cameras are rolling. These were the times when I made decisions thinking "what will others say," instead of feeling that I know the answers.
Behind me, another all-in, and then another. I already know I'm crushed… Opponents show AK and AA. I bust…
But the worst is yet to come. It turns out I miscounted my stack. I actually had 20bb. And the correct line was to open-raise to 2bb, not shove. If I had played it that way, I would still be in the game after that hand. I would have folded to the 3-bets behind me. I make a mistake worth hundreds of thousands of euros. And I can't forgive myself. Because I don't give myself the right to make mistakes. Because I should know better.
First you betray me, then I betray myself.
I fall into the abyss for several years…
Two years later, I win a WSOP bracelet. I win, but I feel nothing. There's no joy, no satisfaction from a great result. Just a feeling of "finally." That I deserved it anyway. There's emptiness that no trophy can fill. I had ruined my relationship with you so badly. Ruined it so much that the only way out was to leave. But I can't do it, so I keep trying.
I finally leave in 2020, right after we released Preflop Academy. Soon my daughter will come into the world. She is the catalyst for change.
I go to therapy. Initially to get along better with you, to play cards better.
But already at the first session, I answer the therapist's questions as if it's not me. Or rather, finally it is me - the real me.
T: "Why did you come here?"
ME: "To feel emotions"
T: "And why do you need these emotions?"
ME: "So that life gains color"
I didn't do it for you, I did it for myself. This was a breakthrough in my life. It was the beginning of a journey to myself, a difficult and bumpy road. But my own. A return to my body, to being whole.
I faced difficult emotions that lay buried in my body, waiting for attention. I cried an ocean of tears in feelings of sadness and helplessness. There were moments of fear and terror. It was hard, but as the rapper Keke says: "Toward the goal at my own pace I go step, step, step. Slowly, consistently, that's how I build my world." Because I finally know where I'm going.
You are my path of growth, my mirror.
Every encounter with you, every session is mindfulness training. Every decision is an exercise in dealing with fear of failure, with shame of making a wrong decision, with anxiety about lack of control. Every bad beat is a lesson about accepting things beyond my control, a lesson in letting go. You are the hardest and most honest spiritual practice I know.
Today I don't play to win anymore, or at least it's not the goal itself. I play to grow. Not just as a poker player, but above all as a human being.
Or maybe it's the same thing - maybe true winning was always about becoming better at the table and beyond it.
I never lose. I either win or learn.
Nelson Mandela
Thank you for everything you've given me. Without you, I wouldn't be who I am today. Without you, I wouldn't be where I am.
The story I told myself: "You must be perfect to be valuable," through working on myself I'm changing to "I am enough, just as I am."
See you at the tables, old friend.
A new hand awaits us.
This time I'm better prepared.
This time I know why I play.
With gratitude,
Pawel
The return already happened during the last WSOP, where in the $2,500 tournament I finished 7th place, playing the final table wearing a shirt with the Polish Eagle on my chest (instead of the armor of a "perfect professional") and rediscovering the joy of playing. In the poker capital, where I could finally feel pride in what I do and what I create.
